Magenta

Magenta is what I'm feeling. It's an old Golden Girls (shut up...) reference that I find all too sutiable to describe how I'm feeling all too often. It's a way of saying you're feeling a lot of things but not any particular one.

Although I'm not sure I have any necessary basis on which to feel these things. I feel lonely a lot, which I should have have been anticipating, but I'm not. My roommates are lovely, but they're not around much(more on them later). I have Katey, who's work schedule is quite busy and hasn't allowed us to spend much time together lately. I have been hanging out with one guy that I just met on the bus for a couple of nights. But still, I do most things alone. Which is great, because it evokes a bunch of thoughts and feelings that make this blog possible. I miss my old Disney friends madly. I see places and it reminds me of them and I wish they were there to experience them with again. It feels so weird to be here when they are not. It doesn't compute. I find myself wanting to knock on their old apartment doors to hang out, which I can do but I'm sure it will be met by some odd looks from the current residents.

Walking around by myself and meeting new roommates and going through the beginning processses of this program with people who are experiencing this for the first time really makes me realize how much I have grown. I see me former self in a lot of them. The awkwardness of meeting new people on the bus, the endless amount of small talk you have to go through to establish any kind of a relationship with anybody...But I'm very open now. I'll talk to the empty seat beside me if no one is there. I think it's just weird becuase I expected to be making friends a lot faster than last time, but it's just as hard as the first.

Another thing I realized walking around by myself, is a new skill I aquired. Depression, a side effect of simply feeling too much at one time by my own definition, came sneaking around the corner three times today. The first two times I was able to punch it in the face and keep walking. But, the third time was a charm because it struck, and with a venegence and plagues me the entire way back from the Magic Kingdom. I got to step out of it for a tic, while I watched Wishes (the firework show at the end of the night, a spectacular I have no words to express how much I love). Anyways, it came out of nowhere but I had to deal with it. I need to learn how to always punch it in the face and keep on walking. So here's to that.

Now for the roommates that I promised to tell you about. 1) is a loveable dork who happens to be allergic to everything. 2) is a kind-hearted kid fighting an endless war against the tobacco industry 3) is a music pureist. Wears only band tees and whatnot. he's the oldest. 4) is a lively young man whom I can only really describe as what you might imagine a gansta night show host would be like... 5) is a shy kid who loves to dance. Today was actually his birthday! All of these guys seem just as nice as they can be. A huge upgrade from my last ones. More on my adventures with them later.

So I have to ignore these feelings by posting this and letting it go. So I'll do so now.

Happiness is a Warm (Not Scalding Hot) State

So I suppose this will serve a sequel to my former blog "132 Days of Magic,' which chronicled the events of my life during the craziest four to five months of my life last year. I experienced so much and went on such a fantastic journey of self. At the end of the last blog, I arranged a hopeful epilogue that may have foreshadowed a happily ever after type situation. This was not the case.

Over the last, post-Disney year, I started, seemingly, progressing in my life. I got a desk job at a travel agency, I resumed classes, and moved out of my parent's house and got a phenomenal three bedroom apartment with my best friend. However, I suppose I really am more American than I believed myself to be. Because after a while, all these things meant absolutely nothing to me. They actually seemed to work against me. I was always wanting more, after I got what I sought after. Here I was working at a job that I could make good money in, but I was working with a group of people that were no where near my age. Also, I was attending the college where everyone runs out of class and heads home, and most of my classmates were also middle aged or older. And as nice as Grandma Rose was I sat next to in Speech, I do not want to go to go clubbin with her... And the freedom of living on my own didn't always feel as freeing as I thought it might (not to mention it began affecting the friendship with my roommate). So now I was feeling more unfulfilled than ever.

Meanwhile, my brother is getting engaged and consequently married, several of my friends are getting pregnant and having their beautiful children, my other brother and cousin graduating...ect. And amist these changes in the lives of my family and friends, I realized how truly still I was standing. I felt as if nothing was happening to me. Essentially, I was bored with life.

But it wasn't until one day, I can distinctly remember leaving one of my classes, after catatonically staring my desk in the class for the whole hour, I was driving to work (the travel agency). And I just started crying. Literally falling apart inside my car the entire drive there because I couldn't stand the idea of being chained to that desk for eight hours; couldn't stand the mere thought of going through the motions day after day doing nothing. Monotonously muddling through my younger years. That's the moment in which I knew something had to change.

One thing led to another and I found myself back here. In a magical world where real life seams to not exist; where it is completely acceptable to walk the tight rope between fantasy and reality. Yesterday, the day before my arrival date, I arrived in this warm (as opposed the blistering heat that Oklahoma has recently been at the mercy of), beautiful state and I stay the night with one of my favorite people Katey (you may remember my mormon sunshine from the previous blog). She had to work in the evening but I was far too juiced to sit around her house. I headed to Downtown Disney (DTD).

Memories rush back as I meander through the shops, and of course when I take a single bite into that lushious free Ghiradelli caramel square (words cannot express how excited I am to have so much chocolate in so many forms immediately available to me)! I look around at the people around me as I walk around. I had forgotten how happy people can be, everyone wears a smile, whether simply posing for a picture, telling a casual joke, or just walking around looking around. They are so happy. I take a seat on the edge of the lake at DTD looking around at Mickey everywhere and all of these people. I'm not sure if it was just their energy radiating through me or what, but I couldn't remember feeling that happy in a long while. It felt so good: the warm breeze, the Circle of Life playing in the background, and the feeling of a fresh start.

I found somewhere I can be happy. Sure, perhaps it's fleeting but it's real. And maybe here, I can have a second chance at learning how to make it last.